i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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