I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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