he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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