i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
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