Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
