Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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