I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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