I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
