Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
