i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
