make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
