we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
