i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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