i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I need water and some morals
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
