Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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