Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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