i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
