Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
