My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
