Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
