my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
