I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
