come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
