Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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