Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
