How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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