You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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