Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
