Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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