Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
