My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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