I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
