I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
