I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
