I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
