So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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