he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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