I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
