she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
