his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
