Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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