based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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