I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
this just has baby written all over it
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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