Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
