He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
