I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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