I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
