Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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