Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
