and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
