I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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