k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just found puke in my bra..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
