I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I sprained my soul last night
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
