Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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