I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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