someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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