I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
