i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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