My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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